당신을 의지하고 따라갑니다.

미국에서 지난지 어느새 9개월이 되었다.

지금 돌이켜 보면 그래도 열심히 이곳에서 지내온거 같다.

다른 언어와 문화속에서 사는게 쉽지 않을걸 알고 있었지만 예상했던 것보다

적응하기가 무척 힘들었다.

하지만 그때마다 나에게 극복할수 있는 지혜를 주신 하나님과

힘들때마다 격려해주고 도와준 여러 사람들에게 감사드린다.

귀국을 3개월을 앞둔 지금 

많은 생각들이 내 머리속에 맴돌고 있다.

'미국에서 공부하고 싶다'

하지만 어떻게?

연약한 내 생각으론 '과연 어떻게 나의 힘으로 할수 있을까'에 초점이 

맞춰져 있다. 

한달 사례비가 100만원도 안되는 가난한 시골교회 목사님 딸이

일년에 몇천만원이 드는 유학비를 어떻게 마련할 것인가를 생각하며

내 기준을 낮추고 현실에 나를 맞추려고만 했다.

지금까지 하나님의 수많은 응답과 그 증거들을 경험했음에도 불구하고

연약한 나는 순전히 나의 생각만으로 결정을 할려고 한다.

지금의 내 눈에 보이는 장애들로 나의 선을 긋고 그것들을 판단하고

내 의지대로 살려고 한다.

'내 인생이니까'

하지만 그렇지 않다.

'나의 인생은 나의 것이 아니다'

나는 순전히 하나님의 계획과 그의 선한 공동체를 만들기 위한

도구이며 일부분일 뿐이다. 

하나님께서는 그런 나를 쓰실려고 날 훈련시키셨고 많은 경험을 통해
나를 더욱 성숙하고 지혜롭게 하신다.

주님께선 내가 현실에 안주하고 주어진 내 환경을 탓하며 살아가길
원하시지 않는다.
언제나 부족한 환경속에서도 나는 풍족함을 느꼈고 하나님의 놀라운 능력을
진실로 경험했다.
그런 내가 어찌 세상을 원망하며 내꿈을 포기 하겠는가.

얼마전 어머니와 미국 유학의 꿈에 대해 이야기하다
크게 감동 받은것이 있다.
어머니는 물질적으로 가난한것으로 당신을 불행히 여기시지 않으셨다.
그리고 늘 끊임없는 기도로 나에게 힘을 주셨다.
물질적으로 가난하나 우린 영적으로 풍족하다.
그리고 엊그제부터 이 기도제목을 놓고 40일 기도를 시작했다.

주님
저는 가난한 집에서 태어나 제대로 된 학원도 다녀본적도 없고
급식비 한번 제 날짜에 내볼수 없었고
수능과 동시에 안해본 일이 없었습니다.
이곳 미국에 오기위해서 학교도 휴학하고 12시간씩 밤낮으로
일만 했습니다.
솔직히 가끔씩 내가 만약 풍족한 환경에서 태어나
부모님의 능력으로 돈 걱정없이 내가 하고싶은것들 원없이 했으면
얼마나 좋았을까 하고 생각했습니다.
하지만
제 환경을 탓하고 싶지 않습니다.

나에겐 당신이 있지 않습니까.

등록금을 걱정할때 지혜와 명철을 주셔서
학과 수석으로 전액 장학금을 받게 하셨고
꿈을 고민하던 제게 노동변호사라는 꿈을 꾸게 하셨고
부족한 환경속에서도 미국이라는 이 머나먼 땅으로 보내어
이 곳에서 나를 쓰시고 많은 것을 경험하게 하셨습니다.

주님
저는 제 힘으로는 아무것도 할수 없습니다.
제 처지에선 도저히 할수 없습니다.
그래서 몇번이고 마음을 고쳐먹고 현실에 만족하려고 했습니다.
주변에선 빨리 학교를 졸업하고 취업이나 하라고 합니다.
유학이 어디 쉬운 일이냐며 혀를 차고
지금의 내 형편을 생각하라고 합니다.
그리고 욕심이라고 말합니다.
하지만 계속 저는 이 낯선땅을, 이곳에서 공부하고 싶은 이 마음을
제 마음에서 도저히 떨쳐 낼수가 없습니다.

주님 저에게 힘을 주세요
 불가능한것도 가능한것으로 바꾸시는 주님의 능력을 믿습니다.
그리고 계속 주님께 끊임없는 기도로 응답을 기다리겠습니다.

아멘

I have been praying for you

Hello! Friends. 

It's been a while since I wrote last blog in Jan.

Now I am writing this blog in Grant Park which closed with YAV house and one of my favorite places in Atlanta. 

Here's so quite to think past couple months and write my thinking.

 

So... How are you doing? haha I am doing great.

 

I almost get used to live in USA and My English is also get proved than before. 

Yay! 

So I have been enjoying going work and talking with people. 

I remember the time I first went shopping alone without helping. 

I didn' t get "one for one" (I hadn't heard that in korea) 

I asked this to worker and she explained it very friendly 

but I couldn't say " Please Say Again!" And then I asked this to another worker 

but unfortunatly I couldn't understand it again. 

Eventually after asking another worker again, I could understand it! 

How dumm I was!

And I make many friends in Action ministries which I have been volunteering now.

 They are really care of me and like me! Thanks y'all. But every people are not nice.

 I was serving fried chicken last thursday.

 Some lady came to me and asked getting chicken so I said to her if you sit on there I will go please wait just one seconds.

 But She just took it from my hand. I was so angry and tried to say something about her bad attitude. 

But she didn't listend me and then yalled at me "Say in English!!!" OMG. Oh Lord, what is this lady yalling at me? 

I was so sad and shocked. I told this happening to friends and they were also angry and helped me feeling better with good advises.

 Ms.Katherin, my supervisor, ran to her and then said if you don't want to apologize it to Jihye, Never come to again!

 Wow. I am not alone! thanks to Everyone. 

They are really good friends and deal me like their daughter even if we grown up in different countries and cultures. Age and language is not matter to us.

I had financial problem in my school last month. I was so concerned on and felt blue. However, It was solved well and I forgot it for while. But last Monday, My friend Kahreeta asked me how's it going on school problem. 

I said her It was solved well. As soon as said this, Her face became bright and congratuated me. And she said "I have been praying for you! Don't be worried and just pray to God And say to me. I'll always pray for you." How beautiful her mind is. She seems like my Mom. 

Sometimes when I have something worried, I tell her this. And she always gives me warm and sweet tea and listens me. She is going to move on Florida next month. I'm so sad but would like to pray for her like she does for me. 

Because you're important

It's almost five month since I came to America

Absolutely, many thing have been changed if I dare compare with first time I came to here.

First, I can talk with people naturally without fear.

The woman in first picture said she thought I looked very shy

As soon as listen that, I laugh at. Because I am not shy at all.

But I know why she said like that. 

It is true that I looked very shy because I couldn't say anything when I first came 

Before coming to America, I thought It is not big deal to talk with people 

Well.. even if language we use is different. 

However, It is BIG DEAL !

It was not easy to talk with people via language and cultures.

The stress from I can't express my thinking and opinion is still bothering me. 

Sometimes, I feel lonely when friends are talking I don't understand what they're talking and embarrassed about friends laugh at my English mistakes. I know they thought my mistake is cute but I feel sad even I don't know why they are laughing.

But even though sometimes I have troubles and my English is slow and wrong grammar, awkward pronunciation  I really thanks that I can communicate with people. 

I hope and have been praying My English is getting better for talking many things with people.

Second, my taste have been changing!

Before coming to America, I really hate something sweet like drink and cookie, especially put in chocolate!

Still remember my friends' face when I said I do not like chocolate at first week.

It is true that I didn't eat chocolate when I was in Korea

Now? I look for sweet foods every day!

Ohh... My love OREO! Double cream OREO is only one I really want to bring to Korea.

And I will never forget the moment that I first got SMORE at backyard with friends.

I will let my Korean friends smore as soon as going back to Korea.

This is really awesome!

Well.. I hesitate stand in front of mirror but this is my joy!

And most American food is really salty to me. At first week in Atlanta we went to get some pizza. My friends really got the pizza deliciously but I was sick after getting that pizza. Because It is too salty to me. 

So I like homemade food and cooking. 

But one day, I found me who is putting salt in my food.

YES. I become lover salt as well as sugar...

Third, I used to spend time for releasing my stress at last couple month.

It was not easy to start live in different country depart from my family and friends.

Most of all, That there's no any of Koreans made me hard.

I spent time for watching Korean show and movies, calling with friends.

At first week in Atlanta, I truly needed the time only for me. I expected it but It was not easy to admit suddenly changed circumstance. 

So I closed the door and as possible as trying to far way from 'English'

whenever I got break time, how it was so sweet.

But now, the hard time is gone. look around people how they live.

Last couple month, I prayed for overcoming this situation but now make the prayer list and pray for other people. 

And It is unfamiliar to meet stranger and talk with them to me. So I didn't like party and meeting. Probably the big reason is English.

now, I want to meet new people and talk to many things. 

I didn't know but now I can know the joy talking with new people.

I have still trouble to live here and maybe it will make me hard till going back to Korea.
But I am so happy because I have great friends and people.
I so thanks to Ms. Katherin who in charge Action ministries.
Some homeless woman was rude to me and I felt so sad couple days ago.
Katherin saw me and said "Don't be sad no matter what they say to you. We need you because you're important to us."

After school program

Zariah gave me these pictures. 

when she asked how write my name, I felt so happy!

Khleela & Z'ariah

'My grandma's name is Hello kitty!'

'Ohh Jihye, Your English sounds like Spanish!'

'Look at her, she is cute (giggle giggle)'

 All those things is that kids surround me and said to me. 

They seem be interested in me when seeing me. 

Probably that reason might be there're only black american kids and most volunteer is black, too.

They like touching my hair and skin. 

At first time, I was embarrassed about their response but now, whenever they try to touch my hair, I bow to them for they can touch me easily.

If someone ask what is most hardest part of volunteering in after school program, I would not hesitate to say 'Reading Book'!

Even if I have learned English for couple years, It is still difficult to read book for kids.

Because some words are unfamiliar and my accent is also big trouble. 

when Zariah said to me my English sounds like Spanish, I so laughed a lot and felt sad.

Sometimes, they do not focus on listening, I am sorry to them. The reason would be my English.

When people ask what I am doing in here, I usually say I help teaching kids. 

However actually, I have been learning many things from them.

If I say some word differently, they let me know what is right pronunciation.

 sometimes when I read fairy tale book, there's always the word I don't know that meaning.

At first, I was so embarrassed about new word but now I ask to kids.

"what is this meaning of words?"

Everyone like teaching something, kids they also too.

They try to letting me understand that meaning, using body language or drawing picture.

This is killing two birds with one stone!

Now, I can recognize they're taller than time we first me.

They are so lovely and sometimes make me surprised at amazing imagination.

It is still hard to make them focus on homework but It's God's blessing that I can meet and communicate with them.

I am pretty girl

Everyone desire to look be 'nice & pretty'

I tried to conceal my acne skin using cosmetic and lose weight for looking 'GOOD'

I was scared to show my no make-up face people so I didn't go out without make-up

I used to wear nicely clothes and be concerned of what I am going to wear tomorrow.

I thought this s natural thing because most girls in Korea do same things like me. 

It's really different with American students that we Korean students spent lot of time to be look nicely,wearing high heal and short skirt bring nice back which is too small to put books ( so they are bringing books using other hand even if they have bag)

When walking on the street or going on bus station and subway in Korea, you can easily find a lots of plastic surgery advertisements.

Many people emphasis being pretty and looking good. 

But most things is just for showing to others.

I have experienced mind changing since came to America.

There are lot's people came from different site and country and diverse cultures and races in USA.

They have different hair colors and eyes color, skin color.

It was most interesting to me when I first came to America so sometimes (it might be sounds little strange) it was so fun looking people's eyes colors. Because most Korans only black or dark brown eyes and hair color.

I am not sure but that is the reason many Korean girls want to change their eye color using color lens for beauty.

We don't like own natural beauty and are going to unified standard which people have made for looking like beauty of the west people. 

I didn't know loving me. 

It have been breaking to thinking that I should be looking good since came to America. I don't want to compare with American but it's true that American know how love them for themselves. 

I was decorating christmas socks couple days ago. My American friend tried to take picture of me, I said 'don't taking picture me. I have big acne in my cheek.' But he said 'that's your one part of your beauty.' 

Woww.. I was so impressive as his that saying.

Now, I do not make up anymore for hiding my complex.

and do not making me hard for dieting. (just trying to maintain body balance)

I am so happy. Because of knowing even if I am not trying to be looking good, still I am beautiful and pretty. 

I love me.

 I

Action ministries

Hi! it's first writing about my working. I wrote this for sending to Korea family and friends but still hesitate to write in English. However! who cares if my English is good or not? Just enjoy it!
I work at Action ministries as volunteer. There's some programs that Action ministries are doing like lunch service for homeless and low-income women and children and 'After school program'. 
Here's more information about these programs ↓

When first started working at here, It was not easy. Even if conversation is really important, I had a difficulty in speaking in English and also the southern accent was especially too hard to get it. Some woman asked me taking 'ketchup' but I didn't get what she wanted so I made her upset. Besides, some people deal with me me like waitress in restaurant! They call me using finger and ask "Give me some water" or just say "drink!". Oh my God...  even I didn't understand exactly what they are saying, I could recognize they are rude. I was so embarrassed and sad as some people's rude attitude. I had prayed alot for this and tried to smiling to them although my feeling is not good. Did it due to that pray? Now, they do not being rude. They call me my name ( it's amazing! Because my name is hard to remember to them!) and first say 'hello, Good morning' It might seem to be not big but I truly thanks.  
And sometimes  I play the piano while they are having lunch for some person's birthday or for singing together. And also, I teach playing piano homeless woman for ten minutes every day. Actually I am not sure if she can get my tutoring well but I'm so glad I can help to her. 
The time when Everything is nerves and scaring was passed and now, I almost adjust to my working and American life. At first when I came to Atlanta, I was sick because of being stressed. I thought I can do very well if go to here but it was not easy than I thought. I cried every night and have prayed to God. "Lord, please give me the power to get over and ear to listen their saying and mouth to tell my thinking." 
Even I feel so hard and depressed in the dark, God is always watching me and give me the wisdom to overcome suffering. I thanks to God for letting me meet great people through and interact to with them. 

My first 21th birthday in America

It is almost three month since I came to America as YAV. 

I remember when first came to Atlanta. Everything was new and felt awkward. 

Well still remain these but almost adjust to new living life and my working.

I really thanks to God and my YAV friends, Justin, Ian, cordinator Tonya and the people who work with Action ministries.

This is God's bless to meet them. 

today is my 21th birthday! 

Actually I'm 22 years old in Korea ( it's different age standard).

my friend said, you would feel sketched if go back to Korea and get 23th birthday suddenly haha. 

My friends wated till 12:00 and then they congratuated me as soon as the day is changed. and drank vodca... Eww... too strong...!

This is just one of part memorizes but I really like this. I'll never forget it. 

I'm so thanks to my parents in Korea and my buddies who not forgetting my birthday and congratuated me.